Tune In: Nurturing the Skill of Deep Listening
Every now and then, I am reminded of how important it is to rededicate myself to the art of deep listening.
The effect of technology on my brain is not lost on me. The more plugged into a screen I am, the less able I am to slow down and hear what those closest to me are asking for – to be witnessed, heard, and truly seen. When I’m caught in a trance of distraction, I’m losing out on the opportunity to look at life through someone else’s eyes. It’s in those moments of distraction that I miss out on connecting with people on a deeper, heart level.
Listening is not just another leadership skill. Nor is it simply an “active listening” corporate workshop. Listening is a method of presence, and it affects all aspects of our life, including our relationships. In Kate Murphy’s book, “You’re Not Listening”, she argues that listening skills are disappearing throughout society. She explains further that this has disastrous impacts on personal relationships, workplace culture, and inhibits cooperation and collaboration.
Executive Coaches are trained to listen. In the book, Co-Active Coaching, Henry and Karen Kimsey-House explain the three levels of listening and how the art of listening can be cultivated. I will attempt to summarize in my own words.
Level 1 listening is simple. We are listening to our own thoughts and opinions to make a decision. Eg. Listening to the salesperson explain the benefits of purchasing a certain car.
Level 2 listening builds on communication at a deeper level. We are listening with careful attention to the speaker, and we are also noticing social cues such as tone of voice, body language and facial expressions. This is a skill that professional coaches are trained to use.
Level 3 is an even deeper expression of listening. It includes everything in level 2 and it involves the use of practical intuition, and being open to receiving more information than is explained. Level 3 involves paying attention to the environment, the somatic experience of the client, as well as the conversation details itself. Level 3 is where masterful coaches like to reside. It’s indeed my coaching philosophy in my group coaching program for women, The Crucible™ as well as in my private practice.
Listening is a precious activity that we can cultivate. We have the capacity to listen deeply, to feel, to understand, to have compassion for others. We also know that stress makes us contract and cuts off our ability to listen well. How do we get cut off from listening? Often, it occurs when we are hyper focused on wanting something. Sometimes that shows up as wanting to impress the CEO or be told we are right. When you are more concerned with wanting others to have a certain impression of you, or to be seen as capable or smart, then we aren’t listening with pure intention.
How can we train ourselves to listen?
First, accept that it takes hours of deliberate practice. Deep listening is a lifelong process and is a patterned behaviour. To commit to becoming a more effective listener, we need to start with noticing.
Here’s How:
Set an intention to deeply listen to a person in your life. Ask yourself: who is someone I could stand to benefit from listening with more presence and attention? Pick someone you are at Level 1 with.
When speaking with this person, notice your reactions, judgements, the urge to jump in and fix, explain, or defend. Notice where your body tightens. Is your jaw clenched? Are your shoulders hunched up around your ears? Is your breathing laboured?
Offer a listening presence. Using your body and breath as an anchor, breathe or soften the part of your body that is creating a somatic reaction. E.g. I use the inner ease technique with my clients but you can use any other practice that results in a loosening.
Ask yourself: what is the person trying to say to me? What do they want me to know? What’s behind the words?
Remember, it is a deep human need to be listened to. Listening requires putting aside the self and any need to win or be right. We listen to understand, not to reply. Often, when we deeply listen, we are reminded of people’s good intentions, of their heart, their humanness, and it creates more connectedness and belonging.
