The Hidden Toll of Pretending at Work: What You Need To Know

Have you ever pretended to understand what someone said, only to realize you had no clue?

Or have you projected a mask of complete confidence at a board meeting while, on the inside, worrying that others questioned your presence?

I know I have.

In fact, a recent study by KPMG found that an estimated 75% of women executives in the US feel held back by imposter syndrome, and there's no reason to doubt that at least a good portion of male executives feel like a fraud some of the time too.

While many of us have, at one time or another, "pretended" to know the answer, nodded in agreement when, in truth, we had no clue what we were doing, or "feigned confidence," when taken to an extreme, "faking it" can contribute significantly to stress and burnout.

Many of us are familiar with the fight, flight, freeze response when under perceived threat, but it was only after I started my trauma and burnout recovery that I understood the full impact of two other maladaptive patterns: Feign and Fawn.

Feign refers to pretending a certain response, particularly the kind of response that you expect others want. Feigning can involve pretending to be unafraid or displaying a false sense of confidence to protect oneself from the fear of being judged as "not smart enough for the job." Feigning is a defensive mechanism aimed at minimizing perceived vulnerability or weakness.

Fawning, on the other hand, is driven by an attempt to appease or please. Leaders might become submissive or compliant in the hope of gaining acceptance, avoiding conflict, or being evaluated as a high performer. Fawning can manifest as excessive people-pleasing, seeking validation, or putting the needs of others above one's own. This is what drives hyper over-achievement, overwork, and an inability.

Faking it at work, whether it involves pretending to have skills one doesn't possess, feigning enthusiasm, or projecting a false image, has hidden costs that can lead to high stress and burnout symptoms.

Here are some potential consequences:

Strained Relationships: Faking it often involves maintaining a facade in interactions with others, especially those whom you might see as "superior" to you. The strain of maintaining artificial relationships can lead to feelings of hypervigilance, an inability to relax, mistrust, and a lack of social support, contributing to stress.

Fly Solo: Faking it may prevent individuals from seeking help or admitting they don't know something. This reluctance to ask for guidance can lead to an increased workload, mistakes, and a sense of isolation—all factors that contribute to burnout.

Perfectionism: Faking it can foster perfectionistic tendencies as individuals strive to meet unrealistic self-imposed expectations. Perfectionism is a known risk factor for burnout, as the constant pursuit of flawlessness can be mentally and emotionally draining.

Imposter Syndrome: Individuals who are faking it often experience this as "imposter syndrome," a highly discussed phenomenon where individuals doubt their abilities and fear being exposed as frauds. This persistent self-doubt can contribute to heightened stress and a feeling of being overwhelmed.

Physical Health Consequences: Chronic stress resulting from faking it can lead to physical health issues such as headaches, insomnia, digestive problems, and weakened immune function, all of which contribute to overall burnout. When I experienced burnout in 2015, I had an elevated heart rate, weight loss, and excessive sweating.

Career Disillusionment: Faking it often means not aligning personal values and interests with one's work. This lack of alignment can result in decreased job satisfaction, making the work feel more like a burden than a source of fulfillment. There is a lack of aliveness present.

Erosion of Self-Esteem: Faking it can erode self-esteem over time, as leaders may feel like frauds "more of the time." They start to feel that their worth is tied to the false image they present rather than their genuine self. This erosion of self-esteem can further contribute to stress and burnout. In short, you start to believe your feelings.

Both feigning and fawning are adaptive responses aimed at mitigating potential harm. In my practice, we refer to these as adaptive strategies or "conditioned tendencies" and often arise instinctively as learned through past experiences. My role as an embodiment centered Executive Coach is to help the client soothe the physiological reaction in the short term and promote healthier response strategies in the long term.

What can I do?

Become Aware: Notice your patterns. How often are you censoring your opinion at work in favor of someone else, especially authority figures? So often, I see the "inferior/superior" dynamic play out in organizations. For example: "I didn't say anything because I didn't want the CEO to think I was dumb."

Resource Yourself: Whether it's coherence-breathing, which I teach, or stepping outside for 10 minutes, it's important to interrupt the pattern and soothe the nervous system. It can take anywhere from 20-60 minutes for a stress response to melt away.

Seek Support: If the stress is chronic and interrupts your sense of well-being at work, consider working with a therapist or coach, specifically someone who has experience in somatic bodywork or is trauma informed.